A fear comes true

2009 február 3. | Szerző: Song |

 

A fear comes true

 

 

As I was lying by the dark window, cuddling my beautiful newborn daughter, I felt as peaceful as never before. Although she knew very little about the world, she surely knew one thing. I was hers. When I looked into those dark, almond eyes, which were exactly like her fathers, I finally found myself. She needed me to live, to survive and I decided to be always next to her. I felt a deep and incomparable bond between her and me, as though an invisible hand glued our life together.

Finally, after the long and painful hours, we were alone. The midwife had left a while ago and my husband had driven to my mother’s to assure her, everything went perfectly well. I didn’t mind a little privacy. I just lay, watching my daughter sleeping without even noticing the time passing. Every now and then I stroke her soft, white skin with my fingertips to make myself believe she is real. I felt a curious pride, a sort of triumph, for giving birth to such an enchanting little thing.  The longer I was staring at her, the more I fell in love with her. Her light brown hair, her round face, wearing a satisfied expression, her pursed lips were all familiar now, and yet, I could never be tires gazing at her.

            I was half asleep when I switched off the lights, breathed in the sweet smell of my baby’s hair and hugged her more tightly. She waved her tiny hand in her sleep. Happiness flooded me. I could hear the crackling fire and its orange light, dancing on the walls made me feel safe and relaxed. As soon as I put my head on the pillow after this exhausting day, I was fast asleep.

I didn’t know what woke me. I glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece. It was half past two in the morning. The blaze of the flames died out hours ago and a cold breeze came from the open window. The storm started, and was bending the trees angrily. The neighbour’s dog was barking, and as I closed the large window fighting with the whizzing wind, in the sudden whiteness of a flash of lightening, I saw what caused the dog’s disturbance. A car I had never seen before was driving away from the front of my house. Scratching noises came from the other side of the wooden bedroom door and got louder every second. Without drawing breath I walked slowly to the door and opened it. What I saw made me jump. The eyes of my soaking wet tabby were flashing at me and his tail was moving impatiently. I laughed at my silliness that this little creature was able to frighten me. I let him come in; he pressed her cold body against my leg as he passed me and curled up on my bed. With a last yawn he closed his eyes, purring gratefully.

I was very cold now; I went back to the bed and saw that where my daughter had been lying just a few minutes ago, there was nothing. Nothing. For a second I just stood motionlessly, trying to understand. I searched the room unnecessary as though hoping to find her hiding somewhere, but I knew she was gone.
I heard myself screaming so loudly that the cat furiously jumped off the bed and without a glance back at me climbed out of the window. The window! ‘But, but, I just closed it!’ I cried and felt a rush of panic. My heart was pounding in my throat and my hands were shaking. I ran downstairs, to the street and was running in the rain, screaming my daughter’s name, and sobbing hard. There was nobody on the streets, not a soul. I hammered on all the doors I passed. No answer.

‘Help,’ I cried. Rain was watering my face, and the wind was tearing my hair but I couldn’t care less.

‘Someone please help me!’ I shouted with all my might. My whole body was shaking now, my feet hurt from running barefoot on the rough ballast road. I was in such a state of shock I completely blanked out. Everything was deserted; the only thing I could hear was myself breathing heavily and the raindrops thundering on the roof of the nearby houses. The darkness covered everything. The always welcoming street and little shops were empty and bitter now. I was desperate to do something, to find my daughter, but I didn’t know how and it made me feel panic-stricken. I was trembling uncontrollably and just stood there feeling utterly vulnerable and alone. I didn’t know what to do and it was killing me. How could I keep my promise to my daughter that I would always be there for her? All of a sudden out of nowhere, I heard something beautifully familiar and still extraordinarily painful. A baby, crying disconsolately, was calling for someone to comfort her. ‘It must be my daughter!’ I shouted her name and stood there shakily, hesitating. I didn’t know which way to go. The archaic houses and the giant black trees around me all were standing there silently like people in deep mourning at a funeral. The baby’s, my daughter’s, voice seemed to come from everywhere, and was getting louder and louder, torturing me. I was crying silently, unable to move, unable to think, unable to find my daughter.

         I looked down. Tears were running down on my front. A dirty puddle reflected my young pale face convulsed with fear. My wild, curly hair now was wet and flattened. I stood there listening to the baby crying helplessly, and pleading with my own reflection.

‘Why don’t you tell me where my baby is?’

An evil smile spread on the face of the woman in the puddle. So unlike my own. She was shaking like me, but with laughter, with sharp and humourless laughter. I was gasping for breath, and was backing away.

         My legs weakened and I collapsed. I punched the water as hard as I could, squealing agitatedly, making the woman disappear but the sound of her laughter still rang in my ears…I was lying on the road, crying, screaming in pain and helplessness….

         I woke with a start, panting. I touched my face and felt cold sweat and there were still tears in my eyes.  The sun was trying to make its way through the dark green curtains, and I heard the muffled noises of the waking village. Suddenly, the details of the night came back to me. I sat up feverishly looking around. Lying in her cot, with eyes wide open, there she was. My daughter. My beautiful girl. I hold her up and stared at her, my heart felt lighter than air.

`It was just a dream. Only a dream…` I whispered in relief.

I held her in my arms for a few minutes and I felt the fear and distress leave my heart and let warmth and happiness flood it once again.